between all the ppl ive talked to, messed around with, etc. only 2 continue to remain constant in my life. it gives me no other thought than that im meant to be with one of them. figuring out which is the hardest part. i love them both, but im IN love with one which is the one that always leaves. the other one has literally been there behind the scenes for the past 3 yrs. i know i go to him for comfort when the others not around, but it feels different this time somehow i cant explain. nd i know that after all this time there has to be more to the reason he stays fuckn with me than just that we hook up or to get back at her. im sure ive blogged about somesort of this before, but it really just gets to me. cuz i feel like i know stuff but really i have no fucking idea about anything. no idea about how either of them feel about me. no idea why they insist on fuckin with my head. no fucking clue.

im so upset/mad/confused/everything right now.

i was fine until i saw a picture of my ex with his g/f, even it being the tiniest thumbnail ever on fb chat, it still made my heart sink into my stomach. it literally makes me sick to think about them being together. ive been surprisingly more ok with the fact that he left again the only thing that gets me is i have no idea why he told me everything he did before. any other time he made it to be strictly friends but this time it was more. FOR WHAT?! why tell me that and make things happen if your plan the whole time was to leave when the bitch wanted you back?! why why whyyy is all i can say. i have soo many questions why and none of them are answered and THAT is what bothers me about you leaving, because it doesnt make sense. and im so infuriated with that every day but it only gets to me sometimes. 

it honestly just makes me want to run to my other ex just so he can hold me and comfort me. idec about hooking up or dating him, i just want to hold him and have the same in return. and this time its even more crazy wantin to be with him cuz i really thought i was over the feelings of wanting to date him and such but now i really dont know i think id be ok with that maybe. but i think this time i feel like that because we both need comfort, both of exs fucked us over BAD. i just want to be there for him regardless of how much shit i talked to him and how much we’ve gone through because of our exs. i just wish we could talk to each other about it, but i seriously dont think i could hear about how much he cared about her blah blah but idk if he could say the same for me, ya know? im so confused with everything between us now and i have no one to tell it to because really he’s the one i need to talk with.

this fucking sucks. i hate this. i hate her. i wish all fucked up slutty ass bitches would die, LEGIT.

you always come back when i need someone there. you always make me feel good, regardless of the circumstances. but last night seein that huge smile on your face and hearin that laugh i honestly dont think ive heard since we dated 2 years ago, it just made me sooooo happy. it sucks it had to come to this for you, and i honestly know it sucks, but God man you’re free! i mean i told you from the begining about her it just took you almost a year to figure that out. and idk what last night was about, either you werr fucked up and lonely or really just wanted me, but it honestly felt different than any other time. i’ve missed YOU so much. you said “you never know what will happen” and damn it boy, you made me think about if something did how i wouldnt mind. but all in all, thank you for being there when im lonely and i dont mind returning the favor. i just hope you do the right thing and dont go back to her after this. you actually sounded a little happy when you said “we’ve been broke up for 4 weeks” lol. hope you really are happy though cuz thats all i ever wanted you to be. and i knew you werent happy with her, cuz if you were  you would have been hollerin at me all the time. 

idk where things are gonna go with us, but right now i just want to be around you alot just cuz you comfort me. hope im not misreading you or w.e either. and i guess its true that there is still something there, i laughed when you told me cuz i just figured sex was it. but who knows now. i love you homie always will, just want you to be happy and if you happen to make me happy then thats even better!

damnit man!

why is it that every single time things with one ex gets fuck, the other ex comes runnin back to me?! (ive dated/messed with the same 2 ppl for the past 2 years lol wtf)

even crazier that this time, we’ve both been without our ex’s for the same amount of time. AND my ex HATES you, and yours HATES me, maybe i am blind to the fact that there is something more there cuz im too stubborn…?

“you never know what will happen” well homie, what the fuck. i still feel like we use eachother cuz werr there lol. we’ll see i guess.

after this happening for probably the 5th time. i know i should let you go and just let you leave. you fucked up this time more than ever, and i guess you realized thats why you left. but i hate so much that i know i’ll never be able to do that. ive lost one best friend, and hes never coming back and i regret every day that i didnt get to have a final conversation with him or at least one more. i dont want that to happen with you, i love you with everything and i cant stand to see you go and have a family that doesnt include me but you ARE my best friend at the same time, and i care about you so much that i cant let you go. im not strong enough to lose someone else especially one that means this much to me. after AALLL you’ve done to me, im still able to look at you and love you like i did the first time. i never would have been with you if i hadnt been for our friend, you never would have came back again if you never got fb, the next time you came back cuz i had a question about my ex, this time you did it on your own. because you missed me, because ive been here for the past 5 years since i met you, not just because you knew id still be here but because you wanted me to still be here. you could have went back to any other girl but YOU chose me. and YOU chose this time to be more than friends when i said i just wanted my best friend back. everything happens for a reason, you come back to me for a reason, and it cant JUST be because i let you cuz its different each time. we both know we can never be just friends, so why fight it?! you tell our friend that you left cuz we’re on different paths in our life, which isnt really even true. im at the point where i want to find the person im going to marry which means i want to settle down and have a house within the next 2 years. you want the same, but also want a kid to fill your hole in your heart. my thing: a child cant raise a child. im saying that for me and for you, its my time to be selfish and have fun because i cant once i have a kid. im not even 20 years old yet, slow down, nothings killing you any faster than living day by day. let things lay where they fall, dont fight it. i KNOW that something has to get to you when i talk about shit, cuz why else would you KEEP coming back. for 2 years! granted it is between relationships so sometimes i feel like a place holder, but at the same time you realize that i really was one of the best things to happen to you. and you’re right compared to you i am an angel, but dont tell me i deserve better even though i know it. all i deserve is what makes me happy, and i KNOW that if you hadnt broke my trust these last 2 times, id have a family with you in a heartbeat. its not like i feel like that just cuz you were my last real relationship, cuz i can feel if somethigns there with a kiss. and ive kissed enough ppl after you to know that i want no one but you. even with what you’ve done, cuz ppl make mistakes. but the thing about mistakes, is that you DONT make them again. and thats what gets me this time is because you PROMISED and SWORE to me you wouldnt lie, cheat, or leave EVER again but you did it anyway. all because someone already has a kid so basically you already have the family your dad wanted you to have. i never got to meet your dad, but i honestly dont think that he’s up in heaven smiling down at you for what you’re doing. guarantee that he’s not proud of you what so ever.

just hope you’re gonna be happy with the last words you speak to me, because it may be the last time you ever see me.

what doesnt kill you makes you stronger?

i call false.

it kills you slowly. its a long, torturous, and painful death. 

i didnt expect a gift or anything like that from you today, you know how much i hate this ‘holiday’. but given that fact, you could have at least told me good morning or even a simple hello would have been perfect. how did it get like this?? you go from telling me you loved me nd wanted to have a family eventually, to barely even talking to me. one step forward, five steps back. feels like im losing you again, and thats something i cant go through again. i guess thats why i keep fighting.

are you fucking kidding me;

this is getting old. thanks for all the apologies but they’re gettin to repetitive and startin to mean nothing. how convenient it is that you come runnin back to me when your relationships fail. i do highly appreciate this time that you said i was right, but you’re not gettin off easy at all this time. you are so fucking stupid, legit. and i KNOW what i should do and how i should feel. but i dont, cuz you mean more to me than you seem to realize. but GOD DAMNIT im tired of your bullshit! you’re gonna see a whole new side of me if you actually stay this time. dont know why you think everythings supposed to be all great and back to how it was when we first started talking, i told you it would never be the same. and until you MAN THE FUCK UP im gonna treat you like a little bitch, im gonna yell at you and fight with you, cuz thats what you NEED from me. we’ve never ever argued or fought when we werr together, now look at us. but even still you wont fight back, you just let me sit there and yell at you. which is kinda strange considering you’re bipolar as fuck and anyone else yells at you you fight back. you dont deserve to hear shit about how i feel about you, i want you to hurt like me. 

only 2 people can make me this angry, and the other person i absolutely hate with everything i have at this point. and you are realllyyy cuttin the line close between if i still love you or if i hate you. 

runnin my mouth;

i just want to go to sleep and wake up to a better day, a day with YOU in it. i’ve been thinking about you more than i ever have before and all i want is to just see you. actually seeing you would make me feel like 90% better. its questionable if i would hit you or not, cuz Lord knows you deserve it. i just dont understand why you’ve broken almost all your promises to me. i guess im just too stupid to see what everyone else does? but i think they’re too stupid to see what i see, and i know that the girls after me never got to see that.

theres a reason i literally cant let you go, a reason as to why i still feel the exact same way for you as i did a year ago. you have this CRAZY fucking hold on me and i dont get it. it just hurts so bad that ive lost you again for telling you how i feel, cuz you asked for it. i wont tell you i love you, because at this point you dont deserve to hear it. but if thats what you’ve been waiting for, i need to hear it first.
“i pushed you away to protect you” ALL I FUCKING WANT IS YOU I DONT NEED PROTECTION FROM YOU, THATS ALL IVE EVER WANTED AND YOU WERE TOO SELFISH TO SEE THAT. SO SELFISH THAT YOU DIDNT EVEN FIGHT FOR ME, YOU JUST “GAVE” ME TO THE PERSON YOU HATE!!! 

THANK YOU

to all the bitches who hate on me for no reason, i love that im such a bother to you!

especially to the ones that don’t even know me!

you apparently hate me cuz your b/f is friends with me…but i call ‘jealous controlling bitch who has no trust for her man’

heres the thing, i knew him before you and he is my BEST FRIEND. and as far as im concerned you can get the fuck over yourself and grow the fuck up! cuz im tired of your petty bullshit :)

but keep my name in your mouth, cuz one day you’re gonna choke on it real hard

DON’T

-tell me you never want me to disappear from your life if you’re just going to leave again.

-lie to me that there’s no bitches in your life. especially when this time around was apparently for us to be friends again, it shouldn’t matter besides the fact i’ll tell you how it is.

-tell me you’re sorry for everything, then do the same shit again.

-tell me how seeing me would make your day better when we’re supposed to be just friends again

-tell me the same fucking thing you’re tellin God knows how many other people.

-tell me im special to you, but continue to fuck me over.

i’ve lost just about all trust for you, and i promise i’ll pay you back for what you’ve done to me this past year.

i just want him to be happy, and i know hes not happy bein with her. you can only hide it for so long, he’s not even the same person. his mom even thinks so. i hate her more now for what she’s done to him rather than for what she did to me. promise you bitch, you’ve got it comin back around to ya again. 

thinking alot, so i wanna run my mouth…

just found out one of my exes cheated on his g/f, the one he pushed me out of his life for “that he loved so much”. at first i laughed cuz i was happy it was over and didnt have to worry about my heart dropping everytime i saw them, BUT then i saw who he cheated with and im reealllyyy wondering what went throught his head and why he would do that. cuz im not gonna lie the girl he was with is beautiful, like really if i have enough balls to put my pride aside and say that its true. and this bitch is fat and busted and i think has a kid that is at least 2 years old. [not judging teen moms, but at the same time making a point. hate on it] i really dont know what the FUCK he was/is thinking. lookin back at the girls hes been with, this makes it seem like he is either drunk as fuck or blind.
then it makes me sit here and wonder if he cheated on me, ive always wondered but i asked him and he seemed very sincere and truthful when he said no…but now i really dont know. and im reaallyy disgusted with the whole thing, and im not even with him. like i hated them being together, but i seriously want to go punch him the fuck out because he did that to her. and i dont even KNOW her like that to care. im THAT disgusted. and also i saw she wrote to our friend “im glad im with him…hes amazing and i love him”…..dumbass bitch, if he cheats with you he will cheat on you! and according to one of his exes that is verryyy true!

also the other night while drinkin a six pack of fourlokos, which makes me either super pissed or super depressed. i broke down and started crying about my other ex, whom i have been seeing alot of and talkin to alot more lately. and i’ve always thought about how he cared about me and stuff, and i always said he never did. but ive been thinkin about it alot more lately and one day came to the conclusion that “he doesnt really actually care about me and never really has”. i said this partly to try and move on and partly because i really feel it. i was with this boy for about 8 months, 1st real b/f and sadly we werent technically dating the whole time. and when we broke up for good i went off on him, i just re-read the whole message i sent to him and it showed up alot “you dont give a fuck about me” or “i mean nothing to you”. but then all this talking and what not that has been going on made me think well maybe he does care if he keeps coming back to me, cuz honestly he’s came back alot. but at the same time he’s still with the girl he left me for, so he cant possibly care that much about me if he’s still with that p.o.s. and i dont use that term lightly, i really do NOT like her for numerous reasons. anyway we were hangin out drinkin and talkin and stuff and idk what even triggered it but i started crying and was talkin to his brother about it as he was talkin to my sister about it. basically his brother said i was half the reason he was still down there at the time it was, that he cares about me alot, and theres alot that i dont know about. while he is over there talkin to my sister making it sound like he wanted me to come home with him that night. needless to say, i passed out in my truck.
the point of this whole thing is that i for once cry about something legit, not some built up nonsense like i usually do. and im still thinking about it today and i wish i could tell him about it. thats the ONE problem we always had, neither one of us told eachother how we really felt. i did but it was obviously too late, that seems to be a trend. but im just mad that im always right about shit, and he always goes back to her. i understand why now but thats besides the point. i just want him to be happy, and if he’s coming back to me he’s clearly not.

the karma of fucking over a good woman, is the bitch you end up with & vice versa.