i dont know why i EVER started dating you in the first place, it just felt right over everyone else who was trying at the time. and i still to this day dont know what attracts me to you and how you mean so much to me. like i really dont know, but God do i love you. im not even IN LOVE with you, but i love you so fucking much i cant stand it right now. 

HOW is what id like to know. how do i seriously not know why i feel any certain way about you. and how do i not know what i mean to you. 

pleeaassee fucking tell me. mind fucked like shit.

between all the ppl ive talked to, messed around with, etc. only 2 continue to remain constant in my life. it gives me no other thought than that im meant to be with one of them. figuring out which is the hardest part. i love them both, but im IN love with one which is the one that always leaves. the other one has literally been there behind the scenes for the past 3 yrs. i know i go to him for comfort when the others not around, but it feels different this time somehow i cant explain. nd i know that after all this time there has to be more to the reason he stays fuckn with me than just that we hook up or to get back at her. im sure ive blogged about somesort of this before, but it really just gets to me. cuz i feel like i know stuff but really i have no fucking idea about anything. no idea about how either of them feel about me. no idea why they insist on fuckin with my head. no fucking clue.

im so upset/mad/confused/everything right now.

i was fine until i saw a picture of my ex with his g/f, even it being the tiniest thumbnail ever on fb chat, it still made my heart sink into my stomach. it literally makes me sick to think about them being together. ive been surprisingly more ok with the fact that he left again the only thing that gets me is i have no idea why he told me everything he did before. any other time he made it to be strictly friends but this time it was more. FOR WHAT?! why tell me that and make things happen if your plan the whole time was to leave when the bitch wanted you back?! why why whyyy is all i can say. i have soo many questions why and none of them are answered and THAT is what bothers me about you leaving, because it doesnt make sense. and im so infuriated with that every day but it only gets to me sometimes. 

it honestly just makes me want to run to my other ex just so he can hold me and comfort me. idec about hooking up or dating him, i just want to hold him and have the same in return. and this time its even more crazy wantin to be with him cuz i really thought i was over the feelings of wanting to date him and such but now i really dont know i think id be ok with that maybe. but i think this time i feel like that because we both need comfort, both of exs fucked us over BAD. i just want to be there for him regardless of how much shit i talked to him and how much we’ve gone through because of our exs. i just wish we could talk to each other about it, but i seriously dont think i could hear about how much he cared about her blah blah but idk if he could say the same for me, ya know? im so confused with everything between us now and i have no one to tell it to because really he’s the one i need to talk with.

this fucking sucks. i hate this. i hate her. i wish all fucked up slutty ass bitches would die, LEGIT.

hello again ex b/f, i love that every time things go wrong with our other ex’s we find our way back to each other. i guess we find the same comfort in each other. hmm no wonder my ex hates you and yours hates me.

its ok tho.

you always come back when i need someone there. you always make me feel good, regardless of the circumstances. but last night seein that huge smile on your face and hearin that laugh i honestly dont think ive heard since we dated 2 years ago, it just made me sooooo happy. it sucks it had to come to this for you, and i honestly know it sucks, but God man you’re free! i mean i told you from the begining about her it just took you almost a year to figure that out. and idk what last night was about, either you werr fucked up and lonely or really just wanted me, but it honestly felt different than any other time. i’ve missed YOU so much. you said “you never know what will happen” and damn it boy, you made me think about if something did how i wouldnt mind. but all in all, thank you for being there when im lonely and i dont mind returning the favor. i just hope you do the right thing and dont go back to her after this. you actually sounded a little happy when you said “we’ve been broke up for 4 weeks” lol. hope you really are happy though cuz thats all i ever wanted you to be. and i knew you werent happy with her, cuz if you were  you would have been hollerin at me all the time. 

idk where things are gonna go with us, but right now i just want to be around you alot just cuz you comfort me. hope im not misreading you or w.e either. and i guess its true that there is still something there, i laughed when you told me cuz i just figured sex was it. but who knows now. i love you homie always will, just want you to be happy and if you happen to make me happy then thats even better!

damnit man!

why is it that every single time things with one ex gets fuck, the other ex comes runnin back to me?! (ive dated/messed with the same 2 ppl for the past 2 years lol wtf)

even crazier that this time, we’ve both been without our ex’s for the same amount of time. AND my ex HATES you, and yours HATES me, maybe i am blind to the fact that there is something more there cuz im too stubborn…?

“you never know what will happen” well homie, what the fuck. i still feel like we use eachother cuz werr there lol. we’ll see i guess.

after this happening for probably the 5th time. i know i should let you go and just let you leave. you fucked up this time more than ever, and i guess you realized thats why you left. but i hate so much that i know i’ll never be able to do that. ive lost one best friend, and hes never coming back and i regret every day that i didnt get to have a final conversation with him or at least one more. i dont want that to happen with you, i love you with everything and i cant stand to see you go and have a family that doesnt include me but you ARE my best friend at the same time, and i care about you so much that i cant let you go. im not strong enough to lose someone else especially one that means this much to me. after AALLL you’ve done to me, im still able to look at you and love you like i did the first time. i never would have been with you if i hadnt been for our friend, you never would have came back again if you never got fb, the next time you came back cuz i had a question about my ex, this time you did it on your own. because you missed me, because ive been here for the past 5 years since i met you, not just because you knew id still be here but because you wanted me to still be here. you could have went back to any other girl but YOU chose me. and YOU chose this time to be more than friends when i said i just wanted my best friend back. everything happens for a reason, you come back to me for a reason, and it cant JUST be because i let you cuz its different each time. we both know we can never be just friends, so why fight it?! you tell our friend that you left cuz we’re on different paths in our life, which isnt really even true. im at the point where i want to find the person im going to marry which means i want to settle down and have a house within the next 2 years. you want the same, but also want a kid to fill your hole in your heart. my thing: a child cant raise a child. im saying that for me and for you, its my time to be selfish and have fun because i cant once i have a kid. im not even 20 years old yet, slow down, nothings killing you any faster than living day by day. let things lay where they fall, dont fight it. i KNOW that something has to get to you when i talk about shit, cuz why else would you KEEP coming back. for 2 years! granted it is between relationships so sometimes i feel like a place holder, but at the same time you realize that i really was one of the best things to happen to you. and you’re right compared to you i am an angel, but dont tell me i deserve better even though i know it. all i deserve is what makes me happy, and i KNOW that if you hadnt broke my trust these last 2 times, id have a family with you in a heartbeat. its not like i feel like that just cuz you were my last real relationship, cuz i can feel if somethigns there with a kiss. and ive kissed enough ppl after you to know that i want no one but you. even with what you’ve done, cuz ppl make mistakes. but the thing about mistakes, is that you DONT make them again. and thats what gets me this time is because you PROMISED and SWORE to me you wouldnt lie, cheat, or leave EVER again but you did it anyway. all because someone already has a kid so basically you already have the family your dad wanted you to have. i never got to meet your dad, but i honestly dont think that he’s up in heaven smiling down at you for what you’re doing. guarantee that he’s not proud of you what so ever.

just hope you’re gonna be happy with the last words you speak to me, because it may be the last time you ever see me.

are you fucking kidding me;

this is getting old. thanks for all the apologies but they’re gettin to repetitive and startin to mean nothing. how convenient it is that you come runnin back to me when your relationships fail. i do highly appreciate this time that you said i was right, but you’re not gettin off easy at all this time. you are so fucking stupid, legit. and i KNOW what i should do and how i should feel. but i dont, cuz you mean more to me than you seem to realize. but GOD DAMNIT im tired of your bullshit! you’re gonna see a whole new side of me if you actually stay this time. dont know why you think everythings supposed to be all great and back to how it was when we first started talking, i told you it would never be the same. and until you MAN THE FUCK UP im gonna treat you like a little bitch, im gonna yell at you and fight with you, cuz thats what you NEED from me. we’ve never ever argued or fought when we werr together, now look at us. but even still you wont fight back, you just let me sit there and yell at you. which is kinda strange considering you’re bipolar as fuck and anyone else yells at you you fight back. you dont deserve to hear shit about how i feel about you, i want you to hurt like me. 

only 2 people can make me this angry, and the other person i absolutely hate with everything i have at this point. and you are realllyyy cuttin the line close between if i still love you or if i hate you. 

seriously?!

what the fuck is your problem?? why are you gonna sit there and appologize for everything you did and try to be my friend again, BUT fail to tell me you have a g/f thats gonna text me and start bs. AND why are you gonna call me and tell ME to stop with the bullshit, when i told the bitch we’re just friends. i understand you said that shit just because she was around, but im glad that you told me you wouldnt do that shit to me again. a selfish dick is all you’re proving yourself to be

i’ve noticed..

that the one person i figured cared the least about me, is really the only one who has been here the whole time. he told me before we broke up “im not gone” i told him he was lying. after me and my other ex broke up(the one below), i ran to him and said i lost him too he said “im still here, im not gone” and ever since then he’s showed he cares about me but its been so hard for me to see it. he was around when i didnt have a b/f, i got one and he stopped, we broke up and he comes back around. but this time, i think he really might be gone.

and the one person i figured cared the most, the one i wanted to care about me more than anyone, is almost completely gone. he said we’d be friends, and i told him there was no way cuz its not the same, our friendship would never be the same after we broke up. and i was right, i wanted so bad to be wrong for once. he told me that he didnt want to get in the way of what me and my ex had(the one above), i never understood why he said that and never will. but im starting to think maybe he wasnt completely wrong.

it proves that i was wrong about one person. even tho ive said i dont want to be with him, i still love him. it was more about just wanting to save him from what he was becoming because of that girl, but now im second guessing myself. his brother told me, as i was saying with my feet planted that “he doesnt care about me, he never really did”, “you’re the reason he comes around the reason hes here now, i know alot more than you think”. me being stubborn said he was stupid and wrong, but knowing hes not going to talk to me, knowing hes not going to show up at our friends house anymore, makes me realize that i AM the reason. he just has a bad way of showing he cares.

dont tell me I’M the one who ruined what you had, when YOU are the one who cheated. all i did was help, and im not sorry for it because you wanted it.

i told you karma would come back around for her again, try me.

i just want him to be happy, and i know hes not happy bein with her. you can only hide it for so long, he’s not even the same person. his mom even thinks so. i hate her more now for what she’s done to him rather than for what she did to me. promise you bitch, you’ve got it comin back around to ya again. 

that moment when you ask your ex why they keep coming back and they reply with “i guess cuz i feel like we still have something”

and at first im like

then i think and im like

then i say something smart about his girl and we’re both like